Dear Homophobes: I Used To Be You, Part 2 of 2

Continued from Part One

Note: When telling my story, I am reliving a lot of heavy emotions, so please bear with me if there are some typos. I have tried to catch them all. Please don't dismiss my story because there are typos. 

I was about thirteen at the time, trying so hard to be close to God, but I was still uneasy at many things in the bible. I was uneasy at the thought of extra rules for women--we can't be pastors, must submit to husbands, in some circles can't wear pants--when it was God who had decided to give them vaginas.
Why would God make me something, that wasn't the best to be? Why would God make me for a  submissive "role" which did not come naturally to me? I wanted to be a strong and courageous woman, and only answer to God. I wanted to be close to God, and not be conflicted if I felt called to do something my husband didn't like.
If it was better to be a man, and have your freedom to do what you actually felt called to do or that you're good at--even if it was to be a pastor--and not have to submit to a spouse, then why did God make me a woman? He claimed to love me, but that was hurtful.
And why did he forbid love if the genders weren't right? How terrible it was to be gay, to never have love or sex! I had heard that even with conversion therapy, it was a lifelong struggle against temptation. At least straight people could be tempted by the same gender as their spouse, and therefore have their spouse to help. I was secretly glad I wasn't gay. And I felt sorry for them, and uneasy at my own privilege. If someone had confronted me on how much better I had it, with at least the hope of love someday, I didn't know what I would do.
I remember my mom saying at this time, "What if two gay people can make a covenant before God, without sex, just like they did in biblical times? It's probably hard to live together and not have sex, but I'm sure they could do it."
I secretly thought that maybe they shouldn't have to, when straight people didn't have it so hard, but I was afraid of that thought. I  would banish such thoughts from my mind, often with a prayer of apology.

I wrote a letter to the editor of the local paper, saying that a proposed statue of a Greek goddess was an idol and that soon people would be forced to worship it. I was that scared of the end of the world, or that society would become more and more wicked. I was afraid of persecution, and not just if the gays got rights.

I read through the whole bible for the first time. I saw a pro-life God say, "Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks." I read about how He killed David's baby for David's sin. About adulterous women being punished with "a miscarrying womb and dry breasts." Babies were dying because of their mothers' sins. Babies that He had knit in the womb, just to die there.
There were many beautiful and awe-inspiring things in the bible, but it began to look more and more like some passages were the product of sinful and barbaric Man. I became increasingly uneasy. I did not like that thought, and resisted it with all my might. Not only was I afraid of backsliding, sin, and hell, but also that what I had been taught all my life wasn't true. What was reality anymore? Was I going crazy?

At fifteen I was on a panel for teens published in the local newspaper. One of the questions asked was, "What do you think of Dumbledore being gay?" I was afraid of the Harry Potter books at that time, but I knew he was a character in one. I was not sure how I felt about gay issues, or how I was allowed to feel, anymore. I had heard that some people thought Paul was referring to pedophilia instead, because of the culture and the Greek word he used, but I was afraid to commit to an opinion on it. I was afraid that doing that would make me wrong in God's eyes. I hoped I didn't have to hurt people, but I didn't see a way out of it.
So I simply said, "I don't know who Dumbledore even is, but if he's gay and happy with himself, more power to him! His lifestyle doesn't affect my life, so why should I worry about it?" The word limit was around 150, and I had only said around 30. I usually went over.

Around this time, I read in a conservative Christian school textbook that there were different ways scholars believe God inspired the bible, and only one involved literally dictating every word. I rejoiced! The bible finally made sense! Of course it was sinful Man who oppressed women and hurt gays! I should have known all along! Of course God wouldn't hurt people. And now I didn't have to.
I kept my discovery to myself, because of my argumentative, homophobic uncle. He yelled and screamed, and acted like I was a Satanist every time I expressed the smallest disagreement. He dismissed my great love of God and my constant search for the truth, whatever it is. And that hurt very deeply. Even if I was mistaken, surely God knew that my heart was sincere? Wouldn't God show me if I was wrong? Did he really need to yell and scream and hurt me like that?

I have been hurt a lot in my life, and I never want to hurt others again. I have had my story dismissed, as if all of my efforts to get close to God and to please him, have never happened. As if I never thought at thirteen that I would not live to be thirty because God wanted me to go the mission field and get killed. As if I had never tried to be okay with the thought of being tortured and raped for the Lord.
Someone like that doesn't wake up one day and say, "Forget God! I'm going to go sin!"
The majority of my life, from early childhood, has been erased by both loving and hateful Christians.

I am sure that the angry homophobes will find some excuse to dismiss me, but I know I have told the truth, and that I haven't worked harder at anything in my life, than to try to be a good Christian.
And maybe you, dear reader, will dismiss it and erase my experiences too, but I hope there's something in there that you identify with. I hope, even if you don't agree with my conclusions, that you don't dismiss my sincerity. I was literally told, from the time I could walk, that Christianity was the most important thing in the universe, so why would I not care if I failed at that?
And like I said, all this time, I thought I was straight. Maybe some of you think that being gay-affirming leads to being gay. But I don't think it does, because my first thought years later, after a girl got my heart racing the same way some guys did, was, "I can't be a lesbian! My life will be so much harder now!" I hoped it would go away, so I wouldn't have to come out to my conservative Christian family. It didn't go away.
And maybe you think the devil is cursing me, but now I wouldn't change myself if I could. I like myself as I am. I like knowing what I am. And I don't think that makes me any worse than a straight person who likes being straight. I didn't even choose this; it was actually quite a shock.

Please understand that this blog is truly a love letter. I used to be you. I write not only to you, but to my homophobic past self The girl who thought she was forced by a loving God to hurt people, including children and teens--and those who have been through Christian conversion therapy, and for whom it did not work.
I know how anti-gay Christians think. I used to be one. I know right now you're probably praying for the right words to reach me. But maybe you should be praying that we ALL find the truth, no matter what it is. Maybe you should be asking if there is any way to not hurt people--gays and others.
And yes, you are hurting us, if you are preaching an anti-gay message; I know how I feel, and I wouldn't wish how I've felt on my worst enemy. Inflicting it is not an act of love. It is cruel. And it is a cruel system, in which God burns people if you don't hurt them now--or is helpless to stop such a thing from happening. (It is also cruel and unfair, if only some people are treated this way, and for something most would never choose. If only some people have to choose between being hurt now, and hurting for eternity.)
Maybe there is a better way. Maybe it's not too good to be true. I know you're scared to hear this, I know you have blasphemy defenses up--but maybe you don't have to hurt us. Maybe things will be all right, even if you don't.